Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Drinking To Blot It All Out

I'll share one. And it doesn't have to be anon.

During the worst of my symptoms of PTSD and dissociation, when all the memories were flooding back to me, I started drinking heavily at night. It was really just to sleep, without the nightmares. To blot it all out.

So I am better now. But I can't kick the drinking. Granted it's far better now than it was a couple of years ago. But still every night, a couple glasses of wine, sometimes more.

It's too much. I am not in denial at all. I used to drink just a glass or two with dinner once or twice a week. I would love to be able to go back to that.

AA isn't for me....just the whole God thing, and having to say I am powerless seems way too self-defeating. I am trying to overcome being powerless. (I do admire those who utilize the AA program....it's just not a program right for me.)

So I thought if I could just get it there, maybe I can go for a day without the wine, then another.....WW


At 10:53 AM, Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

WW: Thanks for having the courage to share that. I, myself, have to watch the drinking. I've used alcohol in the past, but it can really add to my depression. I used to smoke to relieve stress, but I quit that about three years ago. Now, if I can just stop with the chocolate! Best wishes to you on your healing journey. You are strong!

At 1:31 PM, Blogger brian said...

WW: I hear your frustration."Why can't I just be stronger!! Why am I so weak? Why can't I just say no."

Those are words I have said many times. I firmly believe that being abused changes the brain permanently. Addiction, of any kind, is a coping mechanisiom that allows "normal" life to exist.

Please know that many of us struggle with an addiction of some kind. Find a balance within where you can feel better about your self. Don't let it tamper with your strong self image.
You are a brave woman, remember that always.

At 2:29 PM, Blogger WW said...

Dear Marj,

Thank you for the words of support.

Funny thing, my cat, Skittles, helps a lot. She's so sweet and patient. But she looks at me in a funny way when the wine glass comes out.

BTW: feel free to link to my blog.

I am updating my blog, and erased everyone else's links.....ooooppppps.

Will have it fixed by the end of the week.

Good luck with the continuation of this blog.


At 3:15 PM, Blogger Scarlett_demon said...

I can totally relate to this WW, alcohol is very hard to get away from and oh so easy to go back to. I don't like the idea of AA either, but I'm sure they'd tell you that admitting you have a addiction is the first step to recovering from it. Sorry if that's way cheesey, but I'm sure it's true. Well done for being brave enough to share.

At 10:54 PM, Blogger Dreaming again said...

For me ...it's food ... if you upset me ..and I'm planning on eating ... I won't eat. If I'm planning on skipping a meal and you upset me ... I will eat ...

my body can't win.

I would love to never eat again. But it's not that easy. Nor that survivable.


At 8:33 AM, Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

I can definitely relate to that, PK. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like the skipped meals make up for the times I overeat when I look at my weight on the scale :(

Hey, Everybody: I just want to thank the commenters for your validation and support. This was just what I had in mind! Yay!

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Breeya said...

I do drink more than I would like to as well.
I might be in denial, I do not think I have an alcohol problem. I do not drink in excess. But I seem to need that glass of wine in the evening to feel at easy, and depending on how hard the day is being I long for it more or less.
I don´t have it everyday though, just to prove myself I have control but I still don´t feel like I do. I guess because so many time I say i won´t and I do, and it is so easy, it is just a glass of wine with dinner....

I can really relate to your post. I understand what you say about AA as well.

At 5:32 PM, Blogger WW said...

You all are great. Thank you for the kind words of support.

Monday was a good day. Tuesday I slipped a bit. But today is good!



At 9:12 PM, Blogger john michael said...

Keepers went thorugh a terrible time when we were mixing alcohol and meds and sleeping for 12-16 hours at a time. We still have a beer or two or maybe a glass of wine but no meds anymore. there is mostly one keeper who drinks but she has been under control for a while now. thanks for saying what you did, it is always nice to know you are not alone in one's struggles.


At 3:08 AM, Blogger jumpinginpuddles said...

oooohhh but i like alcohol but yes probably because im hiding from pain


At 7:46 PM, Blogger mysti said...

WW I totally can relate with you on this one. I too found I had a problem with drinking too much wine. I drank to help lesson my pain. I have been told no way do I have a drinking problem , but I came to realize if one is drinking as a crutch then that is a problem. Thank you for sharing this. It took courage to do so, and to see a problem.

At 8:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah... I have a glass of wine at dinner. Isn't that suppose to be healthy??? It makes my homemade meals tastes great and more of a celebration... that, hey... I worked hard in the kitchen, it is time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.
Oh, I do agree with the AA thing. Instead of alcohol controlling you, they do... I like to be able to get a drink when I want and not feel guilty about it, because... I hear all the time that alcohol is such a bad thing... it is not...unless it becomes a problem to you and those around you. And.. I also found out, that if you are labeled as an alcoholic by professions... that is that... you are...
and... that is crap. Thank you for this opportunity to express myself here... way cool.

At 7:52 PM, Blogger Dorretta said...

WW-- I admire your strength & courage in speaking out. I used to have a problem with wine as well-- I never liked beer and wine made me feel higher class... I really hated myself and needed any boost I could get.

Thing is, I went to AA. Couldn't hack the "powerless" speak, nor the "God" thing. I bought into both of those fallacies for too long before AA. But I went to meetings, read the literature, took what worked for me, ignored the rest, and I got better. It became part of the journey through the pain into healing. You will find your path—try to be patient and know that with time and work, healing will come…

At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Rita Meyer said...

Hello Marj, I am a survivor, and also did alot of drinking to block alot of the anger, and nightmares. I was raped at the age 16 and my life seemed to end, my husband today has written my biography and we have a website we have established, with alot of information on it. We are out to help listen, and speak to abused and younger generations, with Organizaitons, our mission is to do what needs to be to be there for hurt and abused , raped and etc. that need to express what they feel. I did alot of drinking, I also thought of doing other things, which is mentioned in my biography. I was reading your blog and was very impressed, you have done a great job. Keep up the great work. Please take a look at my blog at http://rapecounsel.blogspot.com . I would like to ask if we may place your link on to our site in the area for all blogs postings, and extra information for people to go to. And also the same for you puting our link on to your blog or website.
Thank you for your time,

Rita Meyer

At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

from blotting out to blogging on, that seems to be a good route to less wine. At least I hope it is as I have arrived here too. I will think of you now when I need to say no too. thank you.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger mile191 said...

this feels so familiar. i found this today and it is a good thing. i am glad you are leaving it up. good luck WW.

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

WW: Wow. You've kinda thrown me for a loop here. I don't know what to say. I don't have any words right now. Maybe--when I'm not so exhausted--I'll have some words in response.

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Dacsii Mii said...

Wow thank you for sharing that the AA thing of declaring yourself is powerless just doesn't work for you. I've been powerless and it was awful. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling that way about it.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

DM: Thanks for stopping by this old blog of mine. I'm glad I left it up and that folks can still find things here they can relate to. I hope it is helpful. Take gentle care.


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